Star Wars

A long time ago in a galaxy far away... yeah! So as prolific as it is, I somehow managed to remain uninterested in the Star Wars series and never even got around to seeing Ep. 2 or 3 of the new ones. Well, one day not unlike many I've come to know living with my new roommate Brandon, he takes it upon himself to give me all the information I never wanted to know about the series. And ya know what? I was interested. So much to his delight, we spend a week watching and discussing the first three (and I only fell asleep during two of them!). All and all, I must say, I really enjoyed watching the films with an "expert" and having all the holes filled in. Apparently, George Lucas had all this subtext to the script that wasn't really relevant other than just as a method to explain the Star Wars universe to the actors and himself. Well all these fun little facts leaked out and are still spread to this day by people like my roommate. For instance, did you know Chewbaca hangs around Han all the time b/c Han (accidentally) saved his life and according to Wookie code, Chewy is now forever indebted to him? Yeah, I didn't either, but now that I do, the trilogy is so much more interesting!


Well, naturally, I then wanted to know what the new movies were all about. Come on, who doesn't want to see the "birth" of Darth Vader? Sooo... I got myself signed up for Blockbuster and rented the three new movies for the following week. And we watched them. Wow. I shall now give you my unsolicited and newly educated opinion.

First off, the first three movies were such a success and still great movies to this day b/c 1. they followed an age-old and highly effective story line and 2. the characters were all loveable and, according to the formula, interacted beautifully together. GL, as a young, passionate and highly devoted director, knew what he was doing! Thus, he created a modern cultural icon of sorts. He always knew he wanted to make the first three, it's just a shame he waited until he was ridiculously successful and rich to do so. You see, instead of dedicating himself heart and soul to creating a great story, he just threw a ton of money (I think $500 mill for Ep. 1?) to a bunch of computer geeks and Star Wars nerds. And what did he come up with? Shallow characters, an overly-complicated plot with too many holes, and lots of tiresome graphics, fight scenes and explosions.

So I know he helped write the script, but it's like he was more focused on explaining this whole Republic vs. the Empire stuff than exploring the characters. But wait, what made the first movies so great? Tried and true plot: good-guy rebels vs. evil empire (Homer's Iliad), powerful son battling father/origins (Oedipus), love story (no explanation required), etc. And of course the characters--loveable rogue, strong princess, a mysterious warrior of unmatched skill, comedic sidekicks... I mean, it sounds like the same old thing, but you see how well it works? There are certain patterns of story-telling one should really take to heart. So I guess what I expected the new movies to do was explain how Darth Vader became evil, why Leia and Luke never knew their origins, where all the Jedi went, how Palpatine became so powerful, am I right? Secondary is how the empire came to be. We like characters in our stories because we can relate to them and, if they're interesting and well-rounded enough, fall in love with them. I guess they forgot that with these movies!

If you've ever seen them, perhaps you noticed all the political talk, the endless battle scenes and crazy planets and creatures in the new movies? Maybe you also noticed how horribly shallow all the characters seemed to be? Whoops! Here's what I hated the most... Anakin comes off more like a whiney brat than the imposing, powerful Sith lord he becomes. And he only seems like a good Jedi when compared to crappy Obi Wan. And worst of all, rather than letting the audience watch the movie and figure it out, they keep telling us stuff like, "But I’m the most powerful Jedi ever!" and "I killed them all!" or "I'm going to rule the universe!" I mean, how dumb do they think we are?


What’s more, if I want complicated, nonsensical, unexplained politics, I’ll just listen to the news! I’m watching these movies because I want to know (and love) the characters and frankly, I want to suspend my disbelief and be entertained. Why are they making me think so hard for a movie that has no relevance other than it’s entertainment value? See, they do that and then I start to ask questions like, who is this dead Jedi that built the clone army? Why did he do it? Where did the money come from? Why do the people who built the army so readily give it up when stupid Obi Wan apparently has no idea they even existed? Or how about the Trade Federation? Who are they and why do they enlist the help of the evil Sith Lord in the first place? Who’s General Grevas? How come no one seems to care that Anakin and Padme shacked up together? How are the Jedi so influential when the first movies lead us to believe it was some ancient, outdated religion? GL didn’t leave us any notes to answer that! (And what’s with all the chopping off of the hands/arms? Anyone else notice that’s like the #1 Jedi trick?)

Apparently, this is the kind of entertainment you get when you have a budget close to the GDP of a 3rd world country! So the point of all this? I really REALLY like Darth Vader. I just wish they would have developed him better cause he is so freakin’ cool and Anakin just doesn’t do him justice. But the last 10 mins of Return of the Sith are the best of the whole series, am I right?