My complicated relationship with hair

“Where in god’s sake is this going?” You’re probably asking. Well let me assure you, I have plenty of things to say about hair of the human-grown variety. I could probably write a dissertation on this topic in fact, but for brevity’s sake, I’m going to limit this discussion to three topics and a couple video clips.

Firstly, if you know me personally then you probably know I’m a little grossed out by hair. Specifically, hair that is detached from the body; free-floating, mystery hairs rolling like little tumbleweeds across the bathroom floor and lurking like devious swamp creatures in drains.

Some people can’t handle feet, or mice, or bugs. For me, it’s hair. I’d like to say this is not a phobia since it’s not an irrational fear, however I’m having trouble explaining the exact nature of my revulsion.

It probably began when my dad would make me pull slimy, wet tendrils of months-old, half-decomposed hair out of the bathtub drain whenever it would stop up. This induced immediate dry heaving and “heebie jeebies.”

Regardless, I go to great lengths to avoid touching off-the-body hair. I think Seinfeld explains it well:

Watch Seinfeld stand up clip on YouTube

Funky, old shower hair aside, there’s the matter of hair that’s still attached and growing on our head. Head hair is very weird. We are the only mammal that continually grows hair and while it does go through growth cycles and other animals are constantly replacing fur, our hair can grow to any length we desire virtually forever. There’s no “stop growing now” mechanism like the hair on the rest of our body (unless, of course, you’re bald. But again, animals don’t go bald). So naturally, we’ve developed some pretty odd rituals and associations with our hair.

For one thing, a woman’s hair is very sexual. In our modern day culture, this association has become more internalized and we’re not always aware of the implications of, say, long, flowing hair. However, there are entire cultures that cover their hair once they become adults. And long ago, only maidens (unwed, virginal women) wore their hair exposed. It also came to represent a sort of promiscuity to reveal long hair.

Nowadays, women of any age and marital status wear their hair long and exposed without a second thought. However, living in the sexually hyped-up society that we do, I’d make the argument that the long tresses so trendy today are yet another way of sexualizing women to an absurd degree. Yes, I know this may seem like a bit of a leap, but think about it next time you watch TV or read a magazine. What kind of women are portrayed with long hair versus hair that’s short or pulled back in some way? Why are they portrayed that way?

“But you have long hair!” You’re probably screaming. Yes, and I wear it very proudly. When thinking of my hair, I often feel like Samson; as if the source of my power emanates from strands growing out the top of my head. I go through phases of long and short hair and the determining factors tend to be how annoyed I am with maintaining long hair versus frequent haircuts as well as what image I’m trying to portray.

Do I want to be feminine or tough? Edgy or beautiful? Sexual or conservative? At the moment, my long hair makes me feel pretty and rather sexy, and I believe that’s the signal it sends as well; appropriate given my desire to attract a mate. Not-so-coincidentally, most men I’ve spoken with prefer long hair, probably for the reasons I’ve just outlined.

So as you can see, my relationship with hair is rather complex. Psychoanalysis, anyone? I’ll leave you with this:

Watch clip from the musical Hair on YouTube